So...I've had this blog for about six weeks and have yet to get really personal but today's the day. If you know me, you know that I'm really outgoing and pretty open and honest. There's not really anything I mind sharing with people but today's sadness is one of them. The reason I want to share is because hopefully, it will help me get things off my chest but more importantly, help start the conversation and healing with others.
One year ago today, I had my first miscarriage. I was eight weeks along. I had been so excited that I had already been online to pick out baby bedding, for a girl of course. We were already talking about how to arrange our house for the new addition and even baby names! I was so shocked when we went for an ultrasound and the Dr. said there was no heart beat. My stomach dropped and I felt like I couldn't breathe. That moment felt like it lasted forever. I heard what the Dr. said but my mind couldn't process it. I thought it was a mistake & that what he just said wasn't true. I was speechless.
The Dr. talked to us about our options...that day, if you can believe it. How awful. Brian and I didn't even have a moment to ourselves and our Dr. was already talking about what should happen next. He said that we should have a D&C. I didn't even really know what that was. I had never known anyone personally that had a miscarriage, either naturally or thru D&C. I had nowhere to turn...just my loving husband and God. After talking with the Dr. several times and listening to his reason why I should have the D&C...I agreed. He said it would bring closure faster and it didn't. I had a gut feeling the morning of the procedure that I shouldn't be doing it and I kept reminding myself what the Dr. said and that it was for the best. For the next several months, I cried off and on. Sometimes, the tears would come at the drop of hat...seemingly for no reason at all. I was grieving for someone I had never met. There was a hole in my heart and I had no one to confide in that had gone thru the same thing. I got a few emails from old friends saying they had lost a pregnancy but no phone calls or anyone willing to talk me thru the rollercoaster of emotions. The only place I felt comfort was in the quiet, with my Lord.
I have gotten to know Him quite well over this last year. I have questioned his goodness for my life and He has shown me nothing but love, faithfulness, and his promises. I have learned to trust him....no REALLY trust him. My whole life, things have gone just as planned and the one time they didn't, it made realize who I had put my trust in...McCall. God has shown me the joy of living day to day. Not knowing what will happen next and not caring. Just trusting.
The last thing I want to say is that I should have trusted that "gut" feeling (Holy Spirit) because my body never did get back to normal. Not until I had a second miscarriage in July. It was only a few days after finding out I was expecting so of course it happened naturally. I remember just praying daily that this would be a cleansing time for my body, as awful as that sounds, and that my body would get back to normal so one day we could conceive again. Praise God....that's exactly what happened. Things are back to normal and hopefully I will conceive again soon. If not, that will be ok too...we are blessed with two handsome little boys that light up my world.
Thanks for reading my story and I hope it helps others to talk about what they've experienced and not be silent about the sorrow of losing the unborn.