Friday, October 17, 2008

Getting Personal

So...I've had this blog for about six weeks and have yet to get really personal but today's the day. If you know me, you know that I'm really outgoing and pretty open and honest. There's not really anything I mind sharing with people but today's sadness is one of them. The reason I want to share is because hopefully, it will help me get things off my chest but more importantly, help start the conversation and healing with others.

One year ago today, I had my first miscarriage. I was eight weeks along. I had been so excited that I had already been online to pick out baby bedding, for a girl of course. We were already talking about how to arrange our house for the new addition and even baby names! I was so shocked when we went for an ultrasound and the Dr. said there was no heart beat. My stomach dropped and I felt like I couldn't breathe. That moment felt like it lasted forever. I heard what the Dr. said but my mind couldn't process it. I thought it was a mistake & that what he just said wasn't true. I was speechless.

The Dr. talked to us about our options...that day, if you can believe it. How awful. Brian and I didn't even have a moment to ourselves and our Dr. was already talking about what should happen next. He said that we should have a D&C. I didn't even really know what that was. I had never known anyone personally that had a miscarriage, either naturally or thru D&C. I had nowhere to turn...just my loving husband and God. After talking with the Dr. several times and listening to his reason why I should have the D&C...I agreed. He said it would bring closure faster and it didn't. I had a gut feeling the morning of the procedure that I shouldn't be doing it and I kept reminding myself what the Dr. said and that it was for the best. For the next several months, I cried off and on. Sometimes, the tears would come at the drop of hat...seemingly for no reason at all. I was grieving for someone I had never met. There was a hole in my heart and I had no one to confide in that had gone thru the same thing. I got a few emails from old friends saying they had lost a pregnancy but no phone calls or anyone willing to talk me thru the rollercoaster of emotions. The only place I felt comfort was in the quiet, with my Lord.

I have gotten to know Him quite well over this last year. I have questioned his goodness for my life and He has shown me nothing but love, faithfulness, and his promises. I have learned to trust him....no REALLY trust him. My whole life, things have gone just as planned and the one time they didn't, it made realize who I had put my trust in...McCall. God has shown me the joy of living day to day. Not knowing what will happen next and not caring. Just trusting.

The last thing I want to say is that I should have trusted that "gut" feeling (Holy Spirit) because my body never did get back to normal. Not until I had a second miscarriage in July. It was only a few days after finding out I was expecting so of course it happened naturally. I remember just praying daily that this would be a cleansing time for my body, as awful as that sounds, and that my body would get back to normal so one day we could conceive again. Praise God....that's exactly what happened. Things are back to normal and hopefully I will conceive again soon. If not, that will be ok too...we are blessed with two handsome little boys that light up my world.

Thanks for reading my story and I hope it helps others to talk about what they've experienced and not be silent about the sorrow of losing the unborn.

9 comments:

Erin said...

McCall, I am so sorry to hear about this. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. It was actually a blighted ovum so my body was completely fooled into thinking there was a baby, but there actually never was one. It is very difficult, especially when it takes that long to discover. I was 10 weeks or so. The one thing that it made me realize which I have shared with friends is that it did not make sense to me how you would wait to share the news of a pregnancy with friends and family until the first trimester ends. I have always heard that you do not want people to know in case something happens, but in fact if something happens, that is exactly the time you need those people! I do wish people would be more open about it because like with many things you often do not know how many people have been affected until you are the victim. I wish you all the best in trying to conceive. As you already know - God is in control even though we do not always understand His reasons...

Catherine Chaumont said...

Great post, McCall. A miscarriage is one of many life experiences that I don't think many people know how to respond. I knew that you had miscarried but wasn't sure if I should say something, but I wish I had. Just so you know, even though I did not, you were in my thoughts and prayers. Glad that you have been able to get through one of life's kick to the guts. Hopefully, pink will be in your future. Thanks for the candid post!

colby ranae said...

you, and your faith are so incredibly beautiful. bless you!

SZipser said...

McCall- I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. Thank you for sharing your story and the struggles you have felt. I did hear about this and am so sorry that I didn't reach out to you, please know I did pray for you and your family. I see how wonderful of a mother and wife you are and know that whatever God brings for you, you will handle it with the same grace and faith you do with everything else. I will continue to pray for your family and I wish you the best.

Amanda said...

McCall, I am so proud of you for sharing your story...I know it takes a lot of courage to get it out there. I agree that when you go through a horrible time whether it is a miscarriage or cancer or a death in the family, people don't often know what to say or do. But please rememeber that it does not mean that many prayers are not being said on your behalf...you can find great comfort in knowing that. I think it is awesome that you have become closer to God through this experience even though I am so very sorry about your loss. If there is ever anything you need even if it is just to talk, I'm always here.

The Ealy's said...

I think it's wonderful that you shared. I know we talked about it briefly when you visited and I am glad you shared your story with others. It's important for us to know that it's ok to share. We had a miscarriage 2 yrs ago. We had gone on a sailing trip and went scuba diving. I did not know at the time I was pregnant. When we returned from the trip something told me to take a pregnancy test...I was pregnant but started to miscarry the day after. I didn't have much time to know I was pregnant but the thoughts of the future just came immediately. We were so excited only to have it all taken away. The guilt that I felt was only made worse when the dr said it was probably a result of the scuba diving. It took a long time to forgive myself and it was prolonged by the fact that we could not conceive again. We tried fertility treatments, acupuncture, counseling...everything. It became all consuming and tested our marriage. It was only when I gave it up to God and decided it was out of my control that it happened...2 yrs later...we had Tristan naturally, no fertility, no acupuncture. I had never been a person of great faith but after realizing that He will give you a child when He knows you are ready, I am now a great believer. Again, thanks for sharing...and know that it will happen when He is ready for it too.

Jaton said...

McCall, I am so sorry to hear about this; I had no idea. I wish no one ever had to go through anything like this. You are in my prayers.

Life in Oh-me-ha said...

uMcCall, I am so sorry you had to go through that alone. We had a miscarriage at 10 weeks before we had Katie and I know how hard it is to move on. Even after getting pregnant again 3 months later and having Katie it is still something that breaks my heart. I am proud you shared it and I will be praying and thinking of you as you try for number 3!

BabyGraham said...

McCall- Your story is hard to hear but something that I think is wonderful you have shared. You will be in my thoughts always for this and your family in my prayers. You are very strong.